Okay, so I know I haven’t been around for quite a while. (Did all three of you miss me? Oh, that’s nice.) A lot of good things to do with our move to Edinburgh have happened, and I’ll get around to telling you about them soon, but right now I need to write about something else. It’s weird because it’s someting we’ve all heard about, but I find it’s really stuck in my head. The suicide of Robin Williams.
I just don’t understand why I feel so sad about it. I mean, yes, it’s a tragic thing, but I didn’t know the man. A lot of other celebrities have passed away under similar circumstances- Kurt Cobain- for example, but I didn’t feel so damn sad about him. It was more, “Oh wow, that sucks. Poor Francis Bean will never know her dad.” and that was it. With Robin though, I almost feel bad for how sad I feel. I mean, Christ, can you imagine how his children, wife, and everyone who actually knew him must feel? Jesus.
I think it’s the fact that I get it. I know what it’s like to be the outgoing and funny one on the outside, and be so depressed and fucked up on the inside. When Kurt Cobain died, I was 16, and anything I was feeling was chalked up to “normal teenage depression.” I figured it was like puberty- shitty as hell, but something we all had to go through, and eventually it would be done. Twenty years later, I know that’s just not true in my case. I’ve been to those dark places. I know what it’s like to have people who love you, but you’re convinced they’d be better off without you. To know that someone else who seemed so happy was going through that, too and in the end lost his battle, is haunting. A lot of tv stations have been running his movies and stand up this week, and while I’m watching, I find myself staring into his eyes, trying to see the real person behind the character. I’m trying to see the sadness, the struggle. If you have any actor friends, you know you can see pieces of the real them in any role they play, and I swear, I can see it.
I was talking to Jon about this the other day. This is what he said.
"You know the scene in Star Wars where Obi Wan is sitting there and all of a sudden he moans and puts his head in is hands? Luke asks his what’s wrong and Obi Wan says he just heard a million voices cry out and then were suddenly silenced? It’s like the reverse. Millions of us just heard this one voice cry out, but then it was suddenly silenced."
Remember, depression lies. Each day you stay is a day you kicked depression’s ass. I don’t know exactly why you’ve dug so deep in my head Robin, but I don’t mind. I have a feeling we might get along.